When Your Child is the Bully

When a child is mistreated, it can trigger intense feelings in parents—anger, powerlessness, even the desire for retribution. But when the tables turn and your child is the one doing the mistreatment, it can be confusing and deeply unsettling. You might feel guilt, shame, or defensiveness, and wonder where things went wrong.

As a parent coach, I’ve worked with families whose children are victims of bullying and with those whose children have been the one doing the mistreatment. In both cases, empathy is key. Our children—whether they are the ones being hurt or the ones causing harm—need us to show up for them, not just as disciplinarians, but as compassionate guides.

I believe that all children have an inner core that is pure and good, that they want to make good choices, and that they want to make people proud of them. When they make poor choices, something is likely standing in the way of better behavior. As parents and caregivers, our job is to understand the root of those choices and help our children learn from them. This takes time, effort, and patience, but it can lead to lasting change and healthier relationships.

A Personal Story: Leading with Compassion and Humanity

To illustrate how we can navigate these difficult situations, I’d like to share a personal story. When my son was about eight years old, I received a call from his teacher after school. During lunch, another boy had shoved an ice cream pop into my son’s mouth as a joke, hurting him and leaving him embarrassed in front of his peers.

This is the kind of situation where a teacher could easily have labeled the other boy as a bully, punished him, and moved on. But my son’s teacher took a different approach. She spoke to both boys separately, giving them the chance to explain what had happened from their perspectives. Afterward, she brought them together so they could express their feelings. My son told his classmate that he felt hurt—both physically and emotionally—and embarrassed. The other boy, who hadn’t intended to cause harm but rather acted impulsively, listened and understood the impact of his actions.

What followed was remarkable. Without prompting, the other boy asked if he could write my son an apology letter. This thoughtful gesture wasn’t forced; it came from genuine remorse and a desire to make things right. My son accepted the apology, and the two boys moved on without further issues.

This story stands out to me because the teacher chose to lead with compassion rather than punishment. If she had simply scolded the other boy, labeling him as the “bully” and my son as the “victim,” it could have set both boys on a potentially harmful trajectory for the rest of the year. Instead, by taking the time to understand the situation and allowing space for empathy, the teacher fostered a peaceful resolution.

Why Children Bully: Understanding the Root Causes

When we talk about bullying, it’s easy to focus solely on the harmful actions and forget that bullying behavior often stems from unresolved pain. The phrase, “hurt people hurt people,” rings true. Children who bully are often struggling with their own emotions—emotions that may be difficult for them to express in a healthy way.

Simply punishing the behavior without investigating the “why” behind it doesn’t solve the problem. In fact, it can reinforce negative patterns. When we label a child a “bully,” we risk giving them an identity that sticks, rather than helping them grow beyond their mistakes. It’s essential to ask: What is this child going through? How are they struggling, and how can I help?  Once we understand this, we can guide them toward healthier ways of coping.

Common Emotional Triggers Behind Bullying & Mistreatment

When we’re hurting, we sometimes seek to alleviate the pain by lashing out at others. These hurt feelings can be caused by several things, including: 

• Shame or Unworthiness
  Children who don’t feel good about themselves may try to bring others down to elevate their own self-worth. This often becomes a vicious cycle. The child lashes out, then feels even worse afterward, deepening their sense of shame and unworthiness.
• Powerlessness
  Bullying can also be a way for children to exert control or power in a situation where they feel otherwise powerless. This might be due to struggles at home, challenges in school, or difficulties with friendships. Bullying behavior provides a temporary sense of control or distraction from their own pain, but it doesn’t address the underlying issue.
• Anger
  Anger is a secondary emotion—it’s usually masking something deeper, like fear, embarrassment, or frustration. A child who lashes out with bullying behavior might be angry about feeling unheard, rejected, or excluded. If we can identify what’s really driving their anger, we can help them address those feelings in a healthier way.

Recognizing these emotional triggers is an important first step. If we address only the behavior itself, without understanding the emotions behind it, we’re missing an opportunity for real growth and healing. Additionally, as a parent, you can look for these feelings in your child daily and model the problem-solving skills we want to see in our children. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

Behavior is a Messenger: What Is It Trying to Tell Us?

Think of an undesirable situation, like a fire. We need to put out the flames, but we also need to find and address the cause of said fire. Behavior is a messenger, signaling that a child has an unmet need. When your child is acting out, the behavior is a clue. It’s up to us, as parents, to put on our detective hats and figure out what that behavior is trying to tell us.

For younger children, the unmet need is often physical. They may be tired, hungry, or overstimulated. But as children grow older, their emotional needs become more complex. A child might be struggling with insecurity, embarrassment, or peer pressure. They might feel vulnerable because of changes in their bodies, fear of failure, or difficulties in friendships.

Asking the right questions can help us get to the heart of the issue. Once the underlying need is addressed, the behavior often diminishes or disappears entirely.

Practical Tips for Parents: 3 Key Questions

When your child is displaying bullying behavior, it can be overwhelming. You might feel a mix of guilt, anger, and confusion about how to address it. Here are three questions to guide your response:

1. Do I need to connect?
   Is my child acting out because they feel disconnected or misunderstood? Sometimes, what children need most is our attention and presence. A simple conversation, a shared activity, or an emotional check-in can help them feel more grounded.
2. Do I need to correct?
   Is there a specific behavior that needs to be addressed directly? Clear and consistent boundaries are essential. While it’s important to be compassionate, we also need to make it clear that harmful behavior isn’t acceptable.
3. Do I need to build skills?
   Does my child need help learning healthier ways to manage their emotions or navigate social situations? Teaching emotional regulation, problem-solving, and communication skills can equip children to handle future challenges without resorting to bullying.

These three questions can provide clarity when dealing with complex behaviors.

How to Recognize the Signs Your Child May Be Bullying

If you suspect your child might be mistreating others, there are several warning signs to watch for. Pay attention to shifts in behavior, such as:

• Sudden changes in friendships or frequent arguments with peers
• Isolation or retreating to their room more often than usual
• Increased irritability, anger, or frustration
• Lack of empathy or making hurtful remarks about others

These behaviors can sometimes indicate underlying mental health challenges, such as anxiety or depression, which might be fueling the bullying behavior. If left unaddressed, this can lead to more serious issues further down the line, like substance abuse or risky behavior. Don’t hesitate to seek professional help if you notice these red flags. Our behavioral health team here at PM Pediatric Care is specially trained in this area and routinely supports families facing these challenges.

You Don’t Have to Do This Alone

It’s important to remember that you don’t have to navigate this journey alone. Work with trusted adults in your child’s life—teachers, counselors, coaches, pediatricians, and therapists—who may have insight into what your child is going through. They can help you form a plan to address the behavior in a thoughtful, informed way.

If the behavior poses a significant danger, quick action is essential. However, in most cases, taking time to gather information and form a team around your child will lead to better outcomes.

Correct the Behavior, Not the Child

As you work to address bullying behavior, try to separate your child from their actions. Your child is not “bad”—their behavior is. By making this distinction, you can correct the behavior while still showing love and support for the child. This helps preserve their self-worth and teaches them that making mistakes is part of learning, not a reflection of who they are at their core, or who they must continue to be.

Parenting with Compassion and Clarity

Parenting is one of the hardest jobs in the world, but it’s also one of the most rewarding. When your child makes poor choices, it’s not a reflection of your worth as a parent. It’s an opportunity to guide them with compassion, patience, and clarity.

Correct their behavior, love them fiercely, and remember—you’re not alone in this. Every parent is doing their best, and every child has the potential to grow and learn from their mistakes.

Best wishes to you as you navigate the journey of parenting. You’ve got this!

If you or a family member needs behavioral and/or mental health treatment, but aren’t sure where to start, read more here or call 888-764-4161. Parent Coaching is also available. We’re here to support!

About the Expert 

 Erin Taylor is a PCI certified parent coach, motivational speaker, host of the Powerful Parenting for Today’s Kids podcast, author, and a mother of four teens. She earned her bachelor’s degree in psychology from Drexel University and her master’s degree in counseling psychology from Loyola University Maryland. For the past 25 years, Erin has been helping parents understand, communicate and connect better with their children, creating a more peaceful, pleasant and joyful home.