Supporting Children Through Grief
Symptoms of Grief
As much as we try to shield our children from pain, it will happen: beloved people and animals pass, and heartbreak is inevitable. Unfortunately, this is the way of the world. And when tragedy strikes, the best we can do is hold each other close and help our kids get through the bad with the least possible scarring. Today, let’s talk about best practices and considerations in supporting children through grief and tough times.
To begin, what could grief look like for a child? What are the symptoms? Are there any unexpected reactions parents should watch out for?
For younger children separation anxiety is common. The child may develop a fear about a parent or other loved one dying. Other symptoms for a child might include – increased aggression, anger, sadness, difficulty or changes in sleeping patterns, bed wetting, nightmares, developmental regression.
Parents of older children and teens should be mindful of increased high-risk behaviors (i.e. substance use/abuse). They may appear more withdrawn and isolated.
Grief and Developmental Stages
Children grieve and process losses differently than adults. It is common for children to also re-grieve losses at different developmental stages as their understanding of loss and death change.
For preschool-aged children, death is often viewed as temporary, and children tend to produce more “magical” explanations for death. For parents of children in this stage, it may be best to provide simple, clear explanations while also correcting any misconceptions they may have about death being reversible. Parents should expect to have to repeatedly remind a child at this stage about the death.
Adolescents, on the other hand, likely understand death but are also increasingly likely to have intense emotional reactions. It is common at this stage for teens to feel misunderstood. They may have difficulty identifying or verbalizing their feelings or reject support from parents or other loved ones. At this stage, it would be important for parents to offer access to emotional support but also support some independence for the child to find healthy ways to process and cope (i.e. talking to peers).
Grief Support Strategies
It is not uncommon for family members to experience and process loss in different ways at different times. Be mindful to not project your own experience and feelings about the loss onto your child but rather meet them where they are. Instead, try these approaches instead:
Be There to Listen
Keep the door open and invite them to communicate when kids are ready and in their own time. Books can be especially helpful for younger children to assist in facilitating communication. I’ve personally used The Memory Box by Joanna Rowland, The Invisible String by Patrice Karst, and The Goodbye Book by Todd Parr.
Teens may be especially reluctant to talk – try not to get discouraged by this. Rather, leave the lines of communication open and be ready to listen and provide support when they are ready.
Encourage Healthy Ways of Coping
Some healthy and positive activities may be helpful in distracting or allowing space to process independently:
- Spending time with or talking to friends
Model Self-Care
It is important for parents to also work through grief and loss, possibly by utilizing individual therapy or a grief support group. The best way to show up for our children is by taking care of ourselves. Children look to their parents as models for behavior. If our children see us pushing things down and not seeking support, they will likely mimic these same behaviors. On the other hand, if they see us taking care of ourselves emotionally, they will often feel more comfortable and open to doing the same.
To Conclude
Remember: everyone grieves at their own pace and in their own time. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, so long as we’re not engaging in self-destructive coping strategies. Let your child know that it is ok to not feel ok, and that asking for help makes them stronger. Meeting children where they are and just being there for and with them is the most powerful support you can give them.
If you or a family member needs behavioral and/or mental health treatment, but aren’t sure where to start, read more here or call 888-764-4161. We’re here to support!
About the Expert
Maeling Ruiz is a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor, successfully providing mental health and substance abuse services to children, adolescents, and families since 2011. Maeling specializes in using methods and approaches that meet each individual where they are. She has experience in working as a therapist for youth in foster care, providing mental health services to college aged-students on the autism spectrum, and helping families to effectively address anxiety, depression, trauma, and/or behavioral problems.
